I have struggled with starting this blog. It is hard to out myself and my husband but I know how lonely and hard it can be. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one dealing with this issue. I know there are other wives dealing with this too so I am going to be brave, step out of my comfort zone, and start writing. Let me start off by saying that I have known about my husband's cross-dressing since before we were married. It didn't seem like a big deal at first, I was young and ignorant, so what if he had a fetish for women's clothing? I could be open minded. I wonder sometimes if I would have married him then knowing what I know now, how deep the rabbit hole is and how much impact it has on every aspect of our life. Shortly after we had been married for a couple of months I found in his internet history searches for transgender reassignment surgeries and tips to look more feminine. I got scared, what had I done? I didn't want to be married to a woman, I wanted my husband to be my husband and father to our children. He reassured me that he would never make the reassignment but it is always there looming over our future. What if one day he finally decides to take it further?
My husband is not gay. Gender confusion has nothing to do with sexual orientation. He lives his life as a man. He works hard for our family and is a great provider. He loves his wife and his children. He goes to church with us on Sunday and is actively engaged in our church community. He also enjoys the stress relief and excitement of getting dressed up. He does get aroused by it and it is a fantasy world that he steps into. I imagine it is something like porn addiction. He needs his props and fantasy to enjoy intimacy. He has admitted to pretending like he is me sometimes, but most often he imagines I am helping him dress or that we are out somewhere and he is being accepted as a woman. It can be really one sided most of the time.
We have six children and it has been hard as a parent to know how to approach the subject of his cross-dressing. For the most part we have tried to keep it away from the kids but it is hard with a closet full of women's clothing, wigs, and high heels and my husband's inadvertent comments about liking these things. The older children have pretty well figured it out. I try to be open to conversations when they come up but still struggle with what to say. I have told them that Dad has a hard time dealing with stress and this is one way that he handles it. I also asked them how it feels when dad makes comments about things in front of them, and they admitted it makes them feel uncomfortable and weird.
Lately I have been struggling with whether we will stay together or not. My husband has a need to go out cross-dressed and receive approval from others for his behavior. I have found conversations and emails he has had trying to set up a rendezvous. He is seeking for companionship going out dressed, not for sexual purposes. I have decided not to go out with him dressed, I did at first when I first learned of his behavior but I have found the more I support him in this way the further he goes into the fantasy. I have found it to be healthier for him, our marriage, and our family to support him in his role as a father and husband. Twice in the last month he has decided to go to another church dressed rather than join our family in going to church with us. This is probably the most difficult thing for me. Trying to explain to the children why Dad is not there. Also other people who are used to seeing him at church ask where he is and if he is sick. I feel like he is slipping away from me and from the family.
I hope this helps someone. Feel free to comment and I will answer any questions you may have. I will continue to write about my experience.
